And completely unsustainable. Overall, this man shows me his good attitude and actions outside of money matters. It's the complete opposite for men. Laughter is often referred to as the best medicine, and it's no wonder why. Its nice when a man is close with his mother, but if she knows where you are 24-7 or is snuggling in-between the two of you on movie night, youll feel more like a sibling than a significant other (been there, dated that). He was one of the very smart ppl in his program and got his degree in less than 3years etc. 2. Published Oct. 22, 2021. I worry it will haunt both of us as we take the next steps in our lives (renting an apartment soon, buying a home of our own in the future). He supports his parents financially 100%. Whether youve found out that your partner has a credit card, multiple credit cards or hes deep into his overdraft in his checking account and suffering from a multitude of money problems caused by lack of self-control, and if hes showing other signs mentioned in this article, he could be using you for financial stability. So, I came about to be a relationship advice writer! He's moved in with me now, in an attempt to save more money. Your decisions are yours alone and we are in no way responsible for your actions. Get a job, secretly. He also knows that youre concerned about how his parental support will affect your future together. I do want that extra money spent on me, or in our future, instead of giving it to "family" that don't really care about him. My BF was going through a rough patch so I was there to help him financially. Unfortunately, our website is currently unavailable in your area. Well, lets just say they likely arent getting many accolades on the other side, either. If he cant, these are important factors to consider, says Estes. He will borrow from you a LOT. A continuing conversation seems like the last thing this situation needs. I think you need to decide what your bottom line is and if having his Mom living with you or financially dependent on you is not acceptable, then frankly i think this guy is not the right guy for you. Hes supporting his parents financially while living with them and working two jobs. A woman in China was so outraged by the dishes she was served by her boyfriend's parents that she ended the relationship; A video of the dishes she posted on social media has been watched more . All of these things will impact your relationship in addition to easing the obvious financial burden, she says. His income is barely covers his outflow. TL:DR: My boyfriend (M39) (I am F37) of ~1 year has been responsible for his parents financially since their retirements. How to Manage Your Money: An In-Depth Bible Study on . We know each other from many years ago in college. My bf (39) and I (37) have been together for almost a 1 year now. However, my boyfriend will still need to support his family. PRIVACY: We will never disclose or sell your email address or any of your data from this site. He needs to know how you feel. We have talked about his parents dependance on him and that i am not comfortable and have issues with it. AH! I'm a two-time cancer survivor, I got it first at a young age and also recently in my 30s. This is a man who has financial dependents/serious codependency with his parents that does not sound at all healthy and he will until the day they die. After reading this article you will now be aware of the signs to look out for if your husband is using you financially. Your spouse should always encourage you to spend some money on yourself and treat yourself, especially if you work hard to earn your money. Also his mom is the type of person that is very timid/shy and will be very nice to your face because she CANNOT stand up for herself or tell people how she really feels (and cannot deal with conflict ) but will go behind your back and tell other people when she has a problem with you. So you basically don't know him at all. IF this is an absolute dealbreaker I would just move on without commenting on his financial situation. In my case, I'm not willing to loan my brother money. They have absolutely no pension or savings and completely rely on him financially. You perfectly describe our situation and possible options. Yet he buys them tickets (not on regular basis) to visit family and their grand kids (the other sibling), enrolls them in various programs so they dont get bored, and thinks its very normal. Being a motivated human being is far sexier than sitting on a fat stack of cash (although I'm not going to lie, the fat stack of cash doesn't exactly hurt your case). They had been together for 5 and a. If your guy wants to spend money on himself, he could be using his own money, not yours - thats exactly what his individual earnings are for. No matter how feminist a man may be, it . It also highlights his self-esteem. Helping out your parents financially is a nice thing to . You know what I am talking about. I He thought about it for two weeks. My bf and I have discussed getting engaged within the next few years, which has made me begin to think of EVERYTHING in our relationship - not just the "love" part. Offering to do something, such as making their car payment, may help them avoid a short-term crisis and give them the little extra time they need to work out of their situation. Distancing yourself. Sadly i think there is nothing much you can do here other than set specific dates, as in you intend to move out on date X and he can make his decision then whether he is going to live independently from him mother then and come with you or whether he is going to continue on this same path. His mom over the course of the past year, has stopped paying the same amount of rent she used to and has pushed ALL of the bills possible onto my bf and I. And scrapbooking is expensive! But aside from the obvious traits one should avoid in a mate: aggression (passive or outright), disrespect, a lack of manners, empathy and/or intelligence, there are those red flags that look a softer shade of pink behind rose-colored glasses. As harsh as this sounds you have to face facts here. He will ask you a lot of financial favors. This man is not a good marriage candidate and I suspect he would probably drag out the dating process and sabatoge his realtionship with you to avoid changing the situation. It is not your position to lend or give . Start looking now at what the price range would be for an apartment with the assumption that each of you will pay half the bills. People at any age can learn better money management, to not indulge themselves with treats like a child and then not pay bills. I can see if his mom had a learning or physical disability and didn't have groceries - then you buy mom a bag of groceries or but doling out cash does not help her. As to the second point, that is also a very huge concern - And here's why I say that: 50K in debt due to poor financial decisions and losing savings means he is very, very bad with money. He is a really nice gentleman. In a healthy relationship, your partner should never begrudge you for spending your own money, unless youre being reckless with it. It's not you're trying to push all of your anger off onto my mom." But, if your spouse is trying to take advantage of you for your finances, they will be reckless with your money, spending it on anything and everything they want - this is a huge red flag. Here are 9 signs that you should keep swiping. There is the level of wrong of just walking into a couple's bedroom as far as privacy and there is the issue of just handing mom money with no question whenever therefore enabling her. His mindset is and always has been that she comes first and he has not set up boundaries. If this is the same arrangement when you are married, it could get worse when mom and hubby make financial decisions together and nothing you can say because you were fine with it. Although not everyone in debt is irresponsible and should be blanketed as users, if your partner has financial problems and hes using your money to survive, its not good news! A man who knows how to take care of himselfand cares enough to make the effort to do so will be far more inclined to step-up and take care of you than someone who just expects you to live according to his low standards or act as a full time maid-service. Aug 14, 2012, 03:21 PM. HELP!!! Your boyfriends life is on hold as long as he allows this arrangement to continue. The importance of personality cannot be overstated. If he won't agree to that, then you have to accept that though you may have many things about him you think are great, his mommy issues are not tolerable and you don't want to live in a group family situation your whole life so that part is just not compatible and you need to find someone else. In this video from OWN, Iyanla talks to a husband who adheres to the "family comes first" philosophy and prioritizes his relatives over his wife: If you are in the same situation where your spouse believes that family comes first and forgets his responsibility as a husband, the first step is to pray. Parents need to find a way to support themselves, either with jobs or welfare checks. Can you share your experience with me please? I struggle financially and my rich boyfriend won't help. Because to me it makes zero sense they made good money but never did anything for retirement, that there's another sibling who doesn't contribute and that he's paying for two places when most people taking care of parents live with them. Some people have dependent children and they have to pay child support. He has stood by my side through the very rough cancer diagnosis and my recovery.Two years ago, when I victoriously beat cancer, we went away for an idyllic beach . His mom probably has limited skills and plus she is in her 50s now so why shouldn't she get a break. By extension, your life is on hold as well. It just happened that when one of us was single the other one was not. If a grown adult cant live life on a budget and doesnt understand personal finance or expenses, no matter how many times youve explained it and given financial advice, theres something wrong! And if it all is true it also means he's very under his parents thumb and that's a whole other kettle of fish - have you even met these people? He makes the bed, you dust the tables. A mans work ethic is a reflection of his character, says Jennine Estes, M.F.T and author ofRelationships In The Raw. But adding his parents to the education is something that bothers me. My husband and I have a joint savings account that I insisted on, that we both contribute a 1.2k to every month. If you're together as a family and want to grow I dont see how you'll be able to when he's already supporting one family and living in a basement to do it. There are people who are 55-65 that start their own businesses - so the age is not an argument. 2010 The Thought & Expression Company, LLC. Published by on 30 junio, 2022 If he cannot pay his bills 99 . 2. It's not commendable, it's self-destructive. So, if your partner gets annoyed or makes you feel guilty when you spend money on yourself, its really because they wanted to spend that money and enjoy it themselves. Parent-adult children relationships like these always mean the child's spouse come second. I always buy him little gifts that he might want or need, and I've mentioned I'd love little gifts too. And if his mother is very dependent, there's a good chance that even if you move out and marry, as soon as you marry he'll move her right into your house and you are in the position of either having to accept it or else divorce him. Im worried theres something seriously wrong with me to be treated this way, Looking for advice on handling a disappointing visit, My girlfriend takes issue with my friend who happens to be an ex. Family-obsessed is another story. But I financially support my partner, and I feel extremely judged as a result. If I bring up his mum's unfairness, he says I'm "slagging her off" but I'm pointing out the unbalance. The Romantic Comedy You Should Watch This Valentines Day, Based On Your ZodiacSign, How To Stop Stressing Over YourRelationships. But I cant pay for our hypothetical apartment on my own for long. In this article, were going to take a look at 13 of the most obvious signs that are common in marriages where a husband financially uses his wife.